Moving On

Going to Guam was amazing for me in so many ways, but nonetheless I am very happy to be moving on to bigger and better things. For anyone who dances in Guam and enjoys what they do I have no judgement, I only know what it was for me.

In many ways it was very freeing. No one judged me for nude modeling, obviously not for dancing, or for anything else. But in opposite ways, it was just as judgmental and controlling of an environment. I went from one extreme to another. I was judged for having a boyfriend, and for having faith in him. Even though I was wrong about him, it was no one's business to tell me I was wrong. Even with friends I have known for years, they never presumed to make me feel like I shouldn't be with someone. It was a world in which anything but wanting to be a dancer in Guam for as long as possible was condemned.

There are many people I met during my time there that I still care about, but ultimately my desire to move on caused a gap that could not be bridged. The drinking, asshole customers, the cattiness...I freely admit that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's just not for me. All I really wanted was to be with someone who loved me as much as I loved them, and to build a life I could be proud of.

When I was devastated beyond my comprehension, I met someone against all odds. And when I realized I was using him and his love to replace the gaping hole in my life, I called things off. I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted it to be genuine, but I was still hurting too badly. After giving myself some time to heal, we reconnected. Much to my surprise and happiness, I felt something real. All the pain and heartbreak I experienced on Guam was worth it just to meet him. He loves me as much as it's possible for one human to love another, which is an absolute miracle to me. He put up with my brattiness and other less savory qualities, and in accepting me through all of it made me realize what capacity I do have. I am truly excited and happy to be starting the next chapter of my life with him.