Writing this, it is post text that I believe I received somewhere around the 3 am mark. I'm not complaining at all, just wished I heard it. The last two weeks or really semester has been so insane for me, that I feel like I'm missing everything that's going on in the people I care about lives. That aside, because, honestly, it's not that important... you're the one who's important here, I just caught up on all of your blogs. I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised about your childhood, being that I have known you as long as I have, but then again, it all adds up really.
I would like to really begin by saying though, your last ex was wrong. You are NOT a terrible person. Terrible people genuinely do not care about how their actions affect others, they don't acknowledge when they're wrong, and they don't show the need or desire to change. Your actions, even from the eyes of a distant viewer suggest the exact opposite. I could go into examples, but I feel it's more important that you're able to come up with them. I would be happy to elaborate if you wanted though.
I don't know why it seems we get kicked in the ass, punched in the gut, or slapped in the face repeatedly. It seems relentless and just downright unfair... as though some kid up in the clouds has a giant magnifying glass or something. Nevertheless, it means something, and more than likely it means more than one thing.
Often, as an introspective and thoughtful being, you tend to look inward... which is good. I think that's the best place to start. What did I do wrong? It's probably true of almost any circumstance that you were involved in, that you had something to do with it... simple math really... but the more difficult thing is moving past that point (which usually isn't difficult for most people). I struggle with this personally and I know you do too, but it's considering other factors and what those represent. Then finally, the most difficult (but potentially the most liberating) is, what are you going to do about it? Devastating news is just that. What the hell do you do with it? We have this idea, this vision for ourselves and who we are, and in an instant that can be taken away... we're stripped down to what seems nothing. We're not even back to square one, but square -20. There are only two options in these cases. 1, you break. End of story. Honestly, I don't even know what happens when that happens. 2, you break and then you move on and hopefully forward, allowing the experience no matter how devastating to mold you positively. Easier said than done, though... I know.
Honestly, what would I be in your shoes?? Scary. Just downright scary. I don't know what I would do. I imagine something like the end of "The Awakening" but then I would be too much of a coward and come back after choking on about a gallon of seawater. I would then come back to my space, alone, silent and I would retreat for a long time. I probably would spend at least a good 2-3 days just sulking, hiding, not saying a word... then I would move on to ugly poetry, self-inflicted injury, and possibly the most irresponsible night of my life. I would keep thinking to myself that I just want to kill someone... but I wouldn't. Who knows after then. Eventually, I would move on... I'd probably become the most brilliant artist, just in spite... move to NYC, perform burlesque shows... make myself a flawless human being that no one can touch... but that would be the sad part wouldn't it? Actually, I would propose that you and I become gypsies to be honest. That might not be too bad I don't think. We'd have a "Fuck the World" attitude and our lives would certainly be fun and interesting, but I do suppose there is a reason it isn't that way. At any rate, my point is, you're better than that. You've been through incredibly tough times before and you didn't react that way. I know you draw from the strength of the women you admire in your life and I think that has served you well. I could go on forever, but hopefully I'll be talking to you today, and hopefully words won't fail me... and if words aren't necessary, hopefully my shoulder won't fail you. Know that I love you, and I haven't given up on you because you're worth it. You're not a terrible person and I will stand by that longer than anyone, I would die by that. I promise.
Writing this, it is post text that I believe I received somewhere around the 3 am mark. I'm not complaining at all, just wished I heard it. The last two weeks or really semester has been so insane for me, that I feel like I'm missing everything that's going on in the people I care about lives.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, because, honestly, it's not that important... you're the one who's important here, I just caught up on all of your blogs. I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised about your childhood, being that I have known you as long as I have, but then again, it all adds up really.
I would like to really begin by saying though, your last ex was wrong. You are NOT a terrible person. Terrible people genuinely do not care about how their actions affect others, they don't acknowledge when they're wrong, and they don't show the need or desire to change. Your actions, even from the eyes of a distant viewer suggest the exact opposite. I could go into examples, but I feel it's more important that you're able to come up with them. I would be happy to elaborate if you wanted though.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why it seems we get kicked in the ass, punched in the gut, or slapped in the face repeatedly. It seems relentless and just downright unfair... as though some kid up in the clouds has a giant magnifying glass or something. Nevertheless, it means something, and more than likely it means more than one thing.
Often, as an introspective and thoughtful being, you tend to look inward... which is good. I think that's the best place to start. What did I do wrong? It's probably true of almost any circumstance that you were involved in, that you had something to do with it... simple math really... but the more difficult thing is moving past that point (which usually isn't difficult for most people). I struggle with this personally and I know you do too, but it's considering other factors and what those represent.
Then finally, the most difficult (but potentially the most liberating) is, what are you going to do about it? Devastating news is just that. What the hell do you do with it? We have this idea, this vision for ourselves and who we are, and in an instant that can be taken away... we're stripped down to what seems nothing. We're not even back to square one, but square -20. There are only two options in these cases. 1, you break. End of story. Honestly, I don't even know what happens when that happens. 2, you break and then you move on and hopefully forward, allowing the experience no matter how devastating to mold you positively. Easier said than done, though... I know.
Honestly, what would I be in your shoes?? Scary. Just downright scary. I don't know what I would do. I imagine something like the end of "The Awakening" but then I would be too much of a coward and come back after choking on about a gallon of seawater. I would then come back to my space, alone, silent and I would retreat for a long time. I probably would spend at least a good 2-3 days just sulking, hiding, not saying a word... then I would move on to ugly poetry, self-inflicted injury, and possibly the most irresponsible night of my life. I would keep thinking to myself that I just want to kill someone... but I wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteWho knows after then. Eventually, I would move on... I'd probably become the most brilliant artist, just in spite... move to NYC, perform burlesque shows... make myself a flawless human being that no one can touch... but that would be the sad part wouldn't it?
Actually, I would propose that you and I become gypsies to be honest. That might not be too bad I don't think. We'd have a "Fuck the World" attitude and our lives would certainly be fun and interesting, but I do suppose there is a reason it isn't that way.
At any rate, my point is, you're better than that. You've been through incredibly tough times before and you didn't react that way. I know you draw from the strength of the women you admire in your life and I think that has served you well.
I could go on forever, but hopefully I'll be talking to you today, and hopefully words won't fail me... and if words aren't necessary, hopefully my shoulder won't fail you.
Know that I love you, and I haven't given up on you because you're worth it. You're not a terrible person and I will stand by that longer than anyone, I would die by that. I promise.