I am 22 Years Old

How can something that happened to me when I was 6 years old have such a hold on my life, even to this day?

I go in cycles of ups and downs, as I'm sure most people do. Sometimes it can be very dark. Life seems pointless. I know I have clinical depressive disorder, but nonetheless I try to identify possible triggers as a coping method.

I know I have no reason to complain, and in many ways I am so, so fortunate to have the job I do. But there are aspects of it that are very unhealthy for me.

The reason I was molested as a child are the same reasons I still have trouble standing up for myself. I have never done sexual favors for money, but sometimes dances go farther than I am comfortable with. When I was six, I allowed it to happen to me because I have always, always been so afraid of offending or displeasing anyone, for whatever reason. I have great difficulty just saying no and standing up for myself. I have the same flaw I did as a very small child. What's most frustrating to me is that in this way, I have not changed.

I need a break. I need to change. I need to find an inner strength to not let myself be pushed and taken advantage of.

And I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend about this because he has such a ridiculously difficult, stressful job that he gets paid way too little for. I have no room to complain. I own this job, and I accept responsibility. But I don't want these dirty mens' hands on me. I just want him, and that's the only reason I am doing the job.

I live in paradise, and I need a vacation. And probably therapy.