Before you pass judgement. I know I can come off cold and snobbish when I'm in a situation I'm uncomfortable with. I promise you, I'm not. When I come off that way, the truth is I'm being ridiculously shy and anxious. People who are actually worth my time and take five minutes to talk to me and try to make me comfortable would find that out.
Though I love my mother dearly and would never wish to insult her...the fact remains that she was not a model of behavior for me in regards to self esteem and social anxiety. The door mat gene was definitively passed on to me from her.
Most people don't understand this about me and that really bothers me. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, you can still feel like total shit about yourself on the inside. When someone tells me I'm beautiful, I laugh inside. Sometimes on the outside too. I've thought about this quite a bit, and I think the only time I believe it when someone tells me that is if they're a girl, and even then only under certain circumstances. I'm sure there's some twisted psychological explanation about objectivity of women and men behind all that, but that's the truth.
The day a man looks me in the eyes and tells me I'm beautiful and I believe it is the day I'll know I've moved on. And I'm trying to. The last thing I want in my life is an absence of growth. To be stuck in this skin forever, that I hate so much.
Whatever complex I've developed over the years is surely a result of my upbringing, history of abuse which I will NOT go into on here, and being a social outcast all of my childhood. I don't mean to come off as "poor me" I'm trying to analyze this so I can move on and gain a scrap of true confidence.
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