When I Was a Little Girl

I wanted to be a ballerina. At some point in time, when I heard about strippers and what they do, I said I wanted to grow up and be one. As a child I was very comfortable being naked. I ran around with a shirt off until I was ten, much to the exasperation of my mother. I was a free spirited tomboy who would come in the house from a day of playing shirtless, shoeless, and covered in dirt. I would spend hours playing in the raspberry bushes that lined the fence between the neighbor's yard and ours. I have dreamt of that particular spot of my childhood countless times. The neighbor whose yard the fence bordered had a granddaughter who lived a few towns over that would come and visit. She was a little older than me, and never let me forget it. It's hard to say exactly, but I believe we became friends around five years of age and I don't think we saw each other after seven years old or so.

For many years I was in denial about some things she did. At the time they occurred it was very traumatic to me, and caused me unbelievable guilt and shame. One day I broke down and told my mom, and I never played with my friend again. Looking back on it as an adult, it is obvious to me that my friend was being sexually abused by her father and/or her stepfather as well. I feel no pain for myself, after all, I escaped relatively unscathed. But I am filled with overwhelming sadness for my friend, for that little girl who had no choice. I have always wondered what came of her.

It's very possible that she became an exotic dancer like myself...but I hope not. Because I have pondered this for some time, and I feel that I became a dancer because of the dirty, free spirited child who ran around the yard with raspberry juice on her face and a hand carved wooden dagger in her hand. Because of the child in me who still yearns for uninhibited creativity, for a game, and let's face it fun. I think if she chose to be a stripper, it would be for the opposite reason. Because her inner child is gone.

Well, whatever has become of my childhood friend, there is no knowing, and my subconscious will continue to remind me of where I cannot return.