Transcend

I need out of here so badly. It's eating my soul. I have been in the trap of "if I just had this, or did this" I would be happy, my life complete.

This is different. I really was complete before. And there. With him. But not just because of him. I was a whole person. Now I'm...less.

The reason I can't be there yet is my fault. Well, not entirely but I take responsibility for what I can control. My heart was not in school. I tried so hard. In the end I chose more immediate happiness. It was that or lose myself entirely. I don't regret my choice, though it is the reason I am fucked at the moment. I have to pay a tidy sum back to my school. An amount that would have put me much closer to getting out of here.

What do I have to show for my sacrifices? Some pretty pictures? I have garnered much respect and admiration in a very specific niche...nothing more. What of the sacrifice? Stressing myself, working myself to the bone for art and a sell out perverted attempt at art.

In my fantasy land of modeling and art, I am in my element. I am a success.

It's the real world I can't survive. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. In ways I am so far beyond many people my age...but's it's not enough for me. I want to be perfect.

I feel like I'm in a constant balancing act with my destiny. The universe knows my every thought and deed. My every intention. Nothing is left unpunished, and as I discovered recently, much to my surprise upon experiencing it for the first time; rewarded.

Now I am terrified of losing that reward if I'm not perfect.

It took me a while, but I've realized what's under my skin. I don't know how to be happy. Being lied to and treated like shit is such a natural state to me, especially by this point in a relationship, that I am freaking the fuck out because it has yet to happen. I am in uncharted, unfamiliar territory, and I don't like it. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not playing nurse maid to every whim of some lunatic I'm dating. I'm dating a giver, and I'm not sure I know how to receive. I don't miss my old life, nothing could be further from the truth. I refuse to be abused ever again.

But the fact remains that as a result of my experiences, I do not know how to deal with someone who isn't doing these things to me. Every last ounce of my heart rejoices at his love. The kind of love I didn't know existed. The kind of love I had no hope for.

I am suspicious of it.

I have accepted it as real. It has not been easy, but it has been proven beyond doubt. I can TRUST him. Truly and completely.

But am I deserving? Can I possibly show him the kindness he has me? I know he has been hurt. But he has not lived my life. He has no idea the mercy his love has been. It is a soothing balm to my wounds. It has allowed me the room I need to heal myself. I understand no man or love can fix me or what I've been through. I have only myself to turn to for that. But he has created an encouraging environment for that happen.

A love that transcends 10,000 miles is the fuel for the radiance in my life. The joy of ordinary things becomes extraordinary because I know...he loves me.