Fortune

What is fortune? I don't believe there is one set definition. It is a very open ended, ever changing thing that is unique to everyone who encounters it.

Whatever it is, I feel very strongly that I have it, at least for the moment. It doesn't feel fleeting though, for once. It feels lasting. It is a static thing, but durable. Of course I could be completely wrong. I have been painfully incorrect enough times before, even when I was certain beyond a doubt something was there to stay.

I thought my previous circumstances were such a happy accident of time and place. I believed it a miracle. Then it turned inside out and transformed into something one hundred percent inconceivable to me. I was humbled in a way I didn't think possible. That humility turned out to be a blessing the likes of which I can never see myself a worthy recipient…but here I am. An earthquake, tsunami, a surgery, and a very naive young man came together in a curious sequence to bring me to where I am, and perhaps more importantly, who I am.

Peaceful, happy, confident. I am loved. By a man who would lay his life down for me without a second's hesitation. I cherish his life more than my own. I feel like the richest woman in the world, though I have nary much money to my name. My days of buying Tiffany's on a whim are at the very least on pause.

Just to know I can own my identity without apology is more than enough. The people who love me and truly know me; technical details notwithstanding…those are the kindred souls I will continue to cherish for years to come. First among them, always and forever, is my Siri. Not the iPhone. My Siri came first ;)

Moving On

Going to Guam was amazing for me in so many ways, but nonetheless I am very happy to be moving on to bigger and better things. For anyone who dances in Guam and enjoys what they do I have no judgement, I only know what it was for me.

In many ways it was very freeing. No one judged me for nude modeling, obviously not for dancing, or for anything else. But in opposite ways, it was just as judgmental and controlling of an environment. I went from one extreme to another. I was judged for having a boyfriend, and for having faith in him. Even though I was wrong about him, it was no one's business to tell me I was wrong. Even with friends I have known for years, they never presumed to make me feel like I shouldn't be with someone. It was a world in which anything but wanting to be a dancer in Guam for as long as possible was condemned.

There are many people I met during my time there that I still care about, but ultimately my desire to move on caused a gap that could not be bridged. The drinking, asshole customers, the cattiness...I freely admit that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's just not for me. All I really wanted was to be with someone who loved me as much as I loved them, and to build a life I could be proud of.

When I was devastated beyond my comprehension, I met someone against all odds. And when I realized I was using him and his love to replace the gaping hole in my life, I called things off. I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted it to be genuine, but I was still hurting too badly. After giving myself some time to heal, we reconnected. Much to my surprise and happiness, I felt something real. All the pain and heartbreak I experienced on Guam was worth it just to meet him. He loves me as much as it's possible for one human to love another, which is an absolute miracle to me. He put up with my brattiness and other less savory qualities, and in accepting me through all of it made me realize what capacity I do have. I am truly excited and happy to be starting the next chapter of my life with him.

Clearing the Air

Earlier this year I an acquaintance of mine was interested in coming out to Guam to work at the club I have been working at for the past 9 months. She hesitated and eventually decided not to come out, saying that she was uncomfortable with how touchy the clubs are in Guam. About 2 months ago I received a message from her saying she had decided to come out after all. She said that she had not come out because of a boyfriend at the time. She told me that she put off many things in her life for whatever guy she was dating at the time and that she was ready to make decisions for herself and just do it.

I didn't know her very well before she came out, but I vouched for her to the owner of the club and even gave her a free apartment to stay in. These things are favors no doubt, but even more so within context. My boss is an incredibly picky man who does not, under any circumstances, bring out a new dancer knocking thirty, on contract who hasn't worked for him previously or wasn't recommended by a dancer at the club. I vouched for her, judging the little I knew of her to be respectable and hard working. We messaged back and forth quite a bit before she came out, and from our conversations I was given the impression she was here to take work seriously, not to flooze around for guys. In her own words she made this sentiment to me.

I have no problem with people being promiscuous or falling recklessly in lust with numerous people. We are adults and have free will. I do, however, have a problem with people who claim to have a steadfast intention while their actions contradict such motives completely.

So she came out here, and under contract dancers must live in "dancer housing" for the first month they are here. I took my friend to dancer housing, and the very next day she was complaining of bugs in the house and cold showers. She emailed our boss claiming extreme anxiety and begging if she could move in with me right away. He conceded, and I was all too happy to have her live with me. For the past few months I have been living in a friend of mine's apartment who is in the Navy and is currently deployed. I haven't been paying him rent, but I have been paying utilities to help out. Despite this, I never asked the girl to help out. I figured since she was here to take work seriously I would help her out. I even moved out of the master bedroom where I had been staying so that she could take that room and be more comfortable. Guam can be a bit of a culture shock, and starting at any new strip club is stressful. I even slept on the couch for a few days because another dancer friend of mine was staying at my apartment in the other bedroom.

I gave her rides to and from work when she needed them and tried my best to help her acclimate and get to know her a little better. I'm a pretty quiet, laid back person, and she is even more so, so conversation was stilted at best. I figured I gave her a good start with a job and a free place, and that a woman almost thirty could take care of herself. All she could ever talk about was her best friend back home whom she was involved with in some complicated way, but she seemed happy enough.

A few short weeks after she was working at the club she met a guy that she decided to no show, no call to work on a Saturday in order to hang out with. This was irritating enough to me given that I had vouched for her. She was being irresponsible, but she was also making me look bad. I didn't see her all the next day until right before work as I was stepping naked out of the shower, I see her and the guy walking into her bedroom. I was startled at seeing some guy in my apartment with no warning, so I said something about as I was standing there, awkwardly naked. Her response was that he was not some random guy because he had bought me one drink before. I said that if I was ok with any guy in my house that had ever bought me a shot, there would be hundreds of guys in my house at any given moment, at which point they shut the bedroom door and she didn't leave until it was time to go to work.

Even if she had been paying me rent, I would have expected some warning that she was having someone over. I like to feel safe and comfortable in my home. Given that I was not asking for rent, and in fact had gotten her out of paying rent to our boss, I expect that simple courtesy. When she moved in with me my boss told me to make sure she paid me at least as much rent as she would have been paying him, which is about $400 a month. I lied and told him I would, but of course did not. Again, I wanted to help her. I had been planning to leave the island for vacation, if not for good, in October some time, I told her this prior to her coming out, and told her I could give her an apartment up until the time that I left. She was well aware I wouldn't be staying. In fact, I had wanted to go home in August, but stayed in Guam a couple more months so I could help her adjust and get started at the club. My friend whose apartment I was staying in invited me into his home, and expressly told me to take my friend(s) who were living there with me as well, with me whenever I left. His apartment was not a free-for-all dancer housing, he was my friend who allowed me to live at his place.

When I first moved into the apartment, it was with another dancer friend of mine who needed help. We were very close friends at a point, but it went downhill when she started ditching me for any guy who gave her a second glance. I felt very hurt and taken advantage of by my friend. Before too long these two "friends" had ganged up on me, and were using me in the exact same ways.

The night after the girl had brought a guy into the apartment without asking, I sent her a message telling her she owed me the $400 in rent she would have been paying our boss since she violated her contract and disrespected me in my home.

I received the following message in response:


I have no problem paying Ed rent, and I will make arrangements with him when he comes home & I meet him. He will be who I will or won't be living with since you are leaving & getting married.

And just so we're clear, YOU were in the wrong & owe me an apology.

Erin, I never knew when I moved out here that you were such a bad person. Then you did nothing but talk shit about your "friends" that you moved in here while smiling in their face & buying them Tiffany's earrings. I honestly don't know how you live with yourself & the kind of person you are.

You were RUDE to my friend. In the real world, Erin, when two adults live together as roommates, they are both allowed to have company over without asking permission. You invited Angela out here for an entire month, you had Allen over the other day. I didn't know exactly when Allen was coming over. When you have roommates, who have friends, it's common sense that someone might see you naked if you're showering with the door open. If I was doing that, and you had someone over that I took by surprise, I would never in a million years be rude to your friend like that. Who does things like that? What is WRONG with you?

You owe me a serious apology, and you owe Patrick one too. Your behavior was disgusting and embarrassing.

That guy was not a "stranger." He was my friend that means a lot to me, who I've been talking about non-stop for two weeks straight, and who has helped me through all this shit I'm going through that you could care less about.

I don't know who told you that you are better than everyone else, but you're not. All you do is alienate yourself from everyone by judging them, talking shit about them, and playing passive-aggressive mind games.

That you would demand rent for a place that's not even yours that you fucked some guy to stay in just because I had a friend over unexpectedly.. wow. That takes the cake. At least it's good material for my book.

--

Allen is a friend, not someone I'm dating, whom I had paid a massage for. He is licensed massage therapist, and that is the only reason he was over. Angela was also a very good friend of hers at one point. She acted like she was entitled to a free apartment from my friend who she had never met...I could not believe it. And in fact I had paid him hundreds of dollars in utilities.

I responded that she would be out of my apartment the next day before I woke up, and she was. It hurt, but not as much as if we had been close. I think what hurt the most is that my former friend got to her and used her to hurt me.

I am so happy I'm leaving this job and the kind of people that can no longer see humans as people, but as customers to be used and taken advantage of.

This is why I hate birthdays

After my parents divorced my father fell into a deep depression that he couldn't seem to shake for a long time. Until he met my stepmother. I believe my stepmom is a wonderful person who has brought my father back to life, and I love her dearly. How he chose to be a dad for the last few years before I became an adult is none of her fault. It is, however, his. I have since forgiven him for it and accepted that it is in the past. What you can't change is best forgotten.

I think it was the combination of my absentee father and my mom working several jobs and going through college, along with her own emotional problems that caused my sister to become more of a mother to me. She is seven years older than me after all. When my dad got remarried my sister was in college and my brother was almost of high school and busy partying and getting into plenty of trouble. I was not. I needed parents and they were nowhere to be found.

I was always a quiet, passive person who avoided confrontation at all costs. My sister often acted as the messenger in our family. Whether it was between our parents or between me and our mom or dad, the task usually fell to my sister's ability and willingness to communicate. I think part of it was also that she felt responsible for me...she is the oldest, and unlike me never had an older sibling as her advocate. She wanted to provide me with at least a part of what she didn't have as a child. And she did a great job of it. I love my sister dearly and will always be grateful for her guidance.

So on my 18th birthday my sister and I were sitting at home with my dad, stepmom, and our Aunt J. It would have been an emotional birthday for me even if no one had said anything, but plenty was said. My childhood was truly over. My father had let it pass by and it could never be taken back. It was my last chance (and my sister's) to address the wrong I (we) felt had been done to me as the youngest, and apparently as the forgotten baggage from a failed marriage that was in the way of my father's new one.

My sister started the confrontation. I don't remember the words, but I remember the sentiment. My father didn't own any of it, and played it off as best he could. I am not a cryer. Well, I am, but under pain of my extreme shame and embarrassment does anyone else ever see it. I absolutely had no control over it. I couldn't stop crying. In front of my dad, stepmom, sister, and Great Aunt.

I hope my next birthday doesn't suck, but at least I'm pretty sure it can't be any worse than that one.

My Dream Come True

Didn't turn out to be my fairytale after all. Every single carefully laid plan for my life has fallen through, so I really should not have been so surprised, but I was. I was in deeper than ever before. I was completely convinced the universe was actually a good place that rewarded people for being the best you could possibly be to yourself and others. I can confidently say, however, that everything that has happened to me thus far has been a blessing in disguise. A man that would do everything in his power to charm me head over heels, convince me to move across the world for him and then dump me, leaving me on a remote Pacific island with no family or friends...is not the man I deserve.

He didn't realize who he was fucking with.

I have made a life for myself here. I have a place. I am needed and appreciated. I have a nice apartment, I just bought a nice SUV, I'm paying off my student loans, and can buy my Mom Tiffany's for her birthday. I'm traveling the world and experiencing life. I'm going to either join the Foreign Service or go back to nursing school when I'm done here in two years.

I'm living life for myself, and it feels amazing. I get lonely sometimes...but these days I can at least count on myself and myself alone. I haven't disappointed myself a single day since I've set foot on this island. I am hard working, reliable, self sufficient and seizing every opportunity I can find.

Photo is by me of my friend Hippie the day she taught me to surf for the first time.

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor

My father really believes he won't live to be an old man, and it seems to me he's surprised he's lived as long as he has. It's in the simple things that I see my time here being limited. I have to take an inhaler so much that I can't even paint my nails straight because my hands shake so badly. I say it without looking for pity or attention. I really just want to get as much out of this life as I can, and to do that I have to admit to and accept that I have less than perfect health, to say the least. While I'm in such an honest mood with myself...

Every day in America:

40,000 people miss school or work due to asthma.
30,000 people have an asthma attack.
5,000 people visit the emergency room due to asthma.
1,000 people are admitted to the hospital due to asthma.
11 people die from asthma.

I was told by a doctor many years ago that this would kill me if I didn't take care of it...and it's no one's fault but my own that as a child and young adult I didn't take advantage of having health insurance like I should have, and now it's far too big of a hassle for me to get insurance on my own. I guess what I'm trying to say through this is...I don't want to die young. I feel like I should be scared, but I'm not. Just angry at my body and my government for having no help available that's not outrageously expensive or difficult to obtain. I know there are so many more people in the U.S. with worse health problems than me and without health insurance, and that's even more angering. As much as I want children, there are so many reasons I shouldn't. I would never want to pass on asthma to them, and I would not want to raise them in a country that leaves their poor and sick without refuge.

On the statue of liberty it says "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"...only to force them into modernized indentured servitude in order to obtain health insurance.

The saddest part

The worst thing is that you made me doubt myself. You made me distrust my intuition. I pondered your love in my heart for many nights before I fell head over heels. I believe you can't control who you fall for, but you can practice self preservation to a degree, and I maintained myself for a long time before I gave in completely.

And then the last thing I ever thought possible, and in the worst possible scenario of its occurrence... actually happened. Afterwards I couldn't trust myself to believe someone if they said the sky was blue.

I know myself better now. I've surprised myself with the confidence I have in what I believe. I still believe every moment we had. I believe that you really did love me...I believe we truly were and are soul mates. You have such serious, unacknowledged issues because of your family that you couldn't trust me, or yourself, in the end.

I remember looking into your eyes and seeing your soul. In that moment my soul looked back and knew it had found what was missing. No matter what you tried to say the reason was for leaving me, I know it, even if you can't admit it to yourself. True love is scary, especially when you've never experienced anything close.

A friend once told me that we have three soul mates in the world, and that's something that for whatever reason makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes you meet the first one and stay together for the rest of your lives...other people are never able to make it work with anyone they meet. And that's where the choice comes in. Even when love is meant to be, circumstances aren't right and not everyone is strong enough to go through the obstacles to make it work.

For a while I didn't want to acknowledge any of this, because ultimately it's more painful to me. To know that we truly had something beautiful, something that I will never find with anyone else. Though I do believe there is someone else out there for me, it's different. It would have to be, just because no two souls are the same. It will be a different love, if and when it comes. As much as it hurts me to know this...I have to say it out loud. Because otherwise I will live the rest of my life constantly second guessing my judgement of people and of my own heart.

I will move on. I'm in love with life too much to give up hope. But what brings me some peace is that I know with great certainty that some day you will look back on this and know what you lost. I want you to feel the loss I have, and know that you were wrong. I want you to feel the stab of regret at losing my love. I don't care that we will never be together again, I just want you to learn something about yourself, and not deny what you know in your heart to be true.

Don't you dare forget me.